But my dislike of the Twilight<\/i> series is due to a very specific issue with one of the novels. I\u2019d keep it to myself, but over the years I\u2019ve seen a groundswell of support for the idea that hating these books is anti-feminist. And that\u2019s the kind of thing I can\u2019t\u2014and won\u2019t\u2014let go unchallenged. That\u2019s why I\u2019m finally coming out with this story.<\/p>\n
Several years ago, I read the first three Twilight<\/i> books. I\u2019d seen publications I respected touting the series as the next Harry Potter<\/i>. And geez, I just love vampires and Harry Potter, so the books would be perfect for me, right?<\/p>\n
Wrong. To me, Bella was an insufferable Mary Sue, Edward the vampire was an annoying prat, and I never for a second believed that fifth wheel Jacob posed any actual threat to Bella and Edward’s true love.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I mean, I actually liked<\/i> Jacob, way more than I liked that stuffy dolt Edward. But then he became a werewolf in the second book and blew that to hell. Human Jacob was a sweet kid, but the werewolves in Meyer’s world are stalkery assholes, and wolfy Jacob had no concept of respecting boundaries. He constantly invaded Bella’s space, trying to get her to kiss him and forcing kisses on her even when she’d haul off and hit him for doing it (and good for her).<\/p>\n And yet the book\u2019s publishers put out lots of \u201cTeam Jacob\u201d merchandise along with the \u201cTeam Edward\u201d stuff, as if readers were expected to cheer on this kind of behavior. (And yes, I\u2019m aware of the explanation the last book gave for why Jacob fixated on Bella. That\u00a0whole “imprinting” business\u00a0is\u00a0outside the scope of this rant, but trust me: WOO BOY, DOES THAT\u00a0NOT<\/b> IMPROVE THINGS.)<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Anyhow. I tried to stick with the series in case it got better. Honest. But the third book broke me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n In Eclipse<\/i>, Jacob overheard that Bella and Edward were engaged, and he became suicidally upset. Bella finally gave in and kissed him, and when she did:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n She realized that she’d been in love with Jacob the entire time.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n And right there, whatever mental soundtrack I had playing while I was reading the book was interrupted by a long, loud needle scratch.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. That is <\/i>so<\/i><\/b> wrong. <\/i>So<\/i><\/b> fucked up. I don’t even believe I just read that.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Why did this upset me so much when everything that had preceded this scene merely made me roll my eyes?<\/p>\n Back in college, a guy I barely knew fixated on me. At that time, I was 20 and still woefully inexperienced with men. Jacob (not his real name, of course) was 25, and I got the impression he was even less experienced with women despite the five years he had on me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Let me say right up front: Jacob was never violent. He never even threatened me. If I had been a more assertive person, this whole thing might never have happened. I know that my story is a little drop of nothing compared to the violent horrors that too many have experienced.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But you need to understand that when it was happening to me, it was terrifying. Nothing that’s happened to me since has frightened me in quite the same way that this man who decided that he was going to be a part of my life whether I wanted it or not<\/i> frightened me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We were both part of the same extracurricular activity, and one night during the fall quarter of my senior year, Jacob followed me out of a meeting and started talking my ear off. At first, he seemed funny and smart. He was reasonably attractive, but I wasn’t drawn to him that way<\/i> at all, not even before I understood what he was.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Friends of mine who knew Jacob tried to warn me about him when he first latched on to me. “Uh, Nicole? That guy’s weird. Really<\/i> weird.” They couldn’t get more specific than that. I\u2019d already noticed that he was weird and somewhat socially inept, but told myself “Well, so what? I’m<\/i> weird. I’m<\/i> socially inept. Who am I to judge?”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I got a better sense of what those friends meant the night I left my apartment and found Jacob lurking in the hallway. The first time that happened, I thought it was kind of cute. Awww, he actually had to stand out there to get up the nerve to come talk to me? Hee.\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Well, he kept doing it. And it stopped being cute really fast<\/i>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Despite that, I thought he might be fun to hang out with and went over to his house to watch a video with his friends one night, and that was when my alarm bells really started going off. Even though we’d never been on a date and I’d never shown the slightest sign of romantic interest in him, Jacob started talking about taking me somewhere for a weekend. Yeah, no<\/i>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Over Christmas break, he sent me several letters (this all took place in the dark ages before text messaging and email), leaving me detailed instructions on where he could be found on certain days if I wanted to call him. I mean really<\/i> detailed. “I have a part-time job in the afternoons on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 2 to 6, so here’s my number there. I’ll be at my mom’s house from the 15th through the 30th, except for the 23rd when I’ll be at my grandmother’s — and here’s her number if you want to call me there, but we won’t be there until 3 pm so don’t call until then<\/i> \u2026”\u00a0 <\/span>I’m not making this up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Strangely enough, this overbearing approach did not make me want to write or call him, and his last letter was somewhat pissy because I hadn’t been in contact. I admit to not being the world’s best correspondent, but all<\/i> those letters over one school break creeped me out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n We resumed our odd friendship in January. I didn\u2019t do much to encourage it, but I\u2019d talk to Jacob if he stopped by to visit. One night, he did the “lurk in the hallway” trick and caught me as I was heading out to the library. (Don\u2019t ask me why the fuck he\u2019d knock on my door like a normal person on some nights but lurk in the hallway like a creeper other nights; I don\u2019t know.)<\/p>\n He trailed after me, insisting that I tell him when I was going to be home so he could come over to see me. I didn’t want company that night, but as we walked it became clear that he didn’t really care what I wanted.<\/p>\n Me: \u201cLook, I don\u2019t want to hang out tonight. I’m tired and I have a lot of work to do. I have an early class tomorrow. And a quiz.<\/i>“\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n He wasn’t having any of that. “Just for an hour. C’mon. Tell me when you’ll be home.”<\/i> And he wouldn\u2019t be deterred no matter how many times I said no. He was a stuck record. “C\u2019mon. Just for a little while. C\u2019mon<\/i>.”<\/p>\n Finally, just to get him to go away, I invented a time when I\u2019d be home. I spent most of that night wandering around town, dropping in on everyone I could think of, wondering if he’d still be lurking outside my apartment when I finally got back. He wasn’t, but he’d left a note telling me how long he\u2019d waited.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Why didn’t I just tell him “I don’t want to see you, now or ever again”?\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n I don’t know. I think there were a few factors at play.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n 1. I’m not an assertive person in general and was significantly less so in college, and some people figure that out and take advantage of it: Here’s someone who won’t tell me to piss off if I push too hard<\/i>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n 2. In addition, I had been taught from a very early age that I overreacted to everything and took things way too seriously. Tell someone that enough times and when she’s really in trouble, she’ll be fully-trained to dismiss what her intuition is trying to tell her. “Oh <\/i>there<\/i><\/b> you go, making a big deal out of everything AGAIN. He likes you, and he obviously hasn’t had much experience with women so he doesn’t know how to act. Stop turning everything into such a crisis!<\/i>” I don’t remember if people were using the term “drama queen” in the late 80s, but if it was around, I’d definitely have been calling myself that.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n 3. And just in case Jacob really was a socially inept but harmless nerd, I didn’t want to be mean to him or hurt his feelings. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. Never mind that he was starting to scare me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n When he didn’t stop the intrusive behavior, I tried to fight back the only way I knew how: passively. One night when I heard his knock at the door, I just didn’t answer. Screw him. 21 Jump Street <\/i>(the original Johnny Depp TV show, not the Channing Tatum movie) was on, and I didn’t want him sitting there blabbing through it. I hadn\u2019t invited him over, and hence I had absolutely no obligation to let him in, right?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I hadn’t thought about the fact that I was in a ground-floor apartment. The knocking at the door stopped, and I felt relieved. But a moment later, I happened to glance outside.<\/p>\n Jacob was out on the sidewalk, looking right in at me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Since he\u2019d seen me see him, I waved him over and made some lame excuse about being in the bathroom when he\u2019d knocked. (Trust me\u2014if you’re reading this and saying “Oh, come ON,” so am I, dear reader. So am I.) From then on, my blinds stayed pulled down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Which was pointless, because whenever he knocked at the door and I didn’t answer, the next thing I’d hear would be him hammering on my window, and that made my heart leap into my mouth. To this day, sudden loud knocking at the front door can leave me shaking. I’d listen to that loud, insistent knock and hear “I don’t care what you<\/i> want. I <\/i>want to see you, and what I want is all that matters.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Let me be really clear about this: Jacob’s behavior was not exciting. It was not romantic. I was not moved by this show of devotion towards me, not at all. I didn’t give in and renounce my prideful, stubborn ways and realize I’d loved him all along, the way that women in popular media too often do when they’re subjected to this type of pursuit. By now, he was scaring the shit out of me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Why didn’t I just tell him to leave me the fuck\u00a0alone?<\/i> Well, hell: I thought<\/b> the way I’d ignore his knocks on the door and the window, in addition to my never making any effort to call or visit him, would make my lack of interest in him perfectly clear. I\u2019d<\/i> given up on guys for far less than that; surely I\u2019d done more than enough for him to get the hint.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/nicolewillson.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/twilight2.gif\")
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